I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
