and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
