i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Randomize
