I can text with my tongue
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
