after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize