Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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