I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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