Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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