you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
