i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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