Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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