My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
