2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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