you have to choose: penises or morals?
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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