Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
