I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Just high enough for therapy.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
