You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Randomize
