Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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