You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
