I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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