Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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