i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
