You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
