there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
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