someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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