I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
