fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
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