we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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