Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
