the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
