My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
