I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
