I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Randomize
