well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize