he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
