Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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