I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
