worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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