i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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