I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
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