apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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