grandma shit on top of the toilet
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
