So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
