ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
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