First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
How's work?
Spinning.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
