Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
