I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
