No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
she looked like the before picture.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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