Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
