I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
