Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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