and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
