Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
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