hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
