it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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