I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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