you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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