I wish I could punch you in the face.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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