So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
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