I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
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