i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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