u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Randomize