I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Randomize