Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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