I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Randomize
