It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
