I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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