Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
