i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
