Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
The air taste purple.
Randomize